Is my loyalty divided?
I tossed about in my bed last night. The lonely howl of wind and the echo of raindrops upon the rooftop kept my mind awake, my eyes dry, and my muscles tense.
"I don't have enough time." I whisper into the cool night air.
I don't have enough time to read the Word of God. I don't have time to pray in my secret place. I don't have time to rest in my Bridegroom's loving, strong arms.
I don't have enough time to spend beside my fiancée. I don't have time to talk about our days and catch up. I don't have time to rest in my Bridegroom's loving, strong arms.
Is my loyalty divided?
As I lay, I felt hopeless. I cannot find time to spend time with the centre of my life, Jesus; and the centre of my world, my fiancée, Emil. And yet with the 24 hours in each day, I spend less time with both than I should. Oftentimes I feel guilty because I neglect one for the other. Where is the balance? How do I wholeheartedly serve both and wholly integrate both into every corner of my being?
And as I lay, I felt convicted beyond description, because I realised that while I neglect both, I neglect one far more than the other. I find myself each night, exhausted, emptily promising to make time for Him tomorrow - to make time for my Saviour and Redeemer.
Psalm 1 says the following: "Happy are those...[whose] delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law they meditate day and night. They are like trees planted by streams of water, which yield their fruit in season, and their leaves do not wither. In all that they do, they prosper." (NRSV)
Lying in my bed I could almost feel my figurative leaves wither. I didn't have an excuse, though I tried to look for one. I tried to justify my negligence. I reasoned that Jesus is always there, and Emil is not. I can always spend time with Jesus, but I have limited time with Emil. Therefore, logically, my time with Emil should take precedence?
Not so.
I firmly rebuked myself as I lay in my bed.
How dare I place any man above the God of the Universe?
How dare I honour the man I will spend the rest of my life with above the One who knew me before time and will hold me for all eternity?
How easy is it for this generation to use the excuse that time is precious? It shouldn't be an excuse! Time is precious - this is a fact. Therefore, how much more important is it to place one's precious treasure "in heaven, where neither moth nor rust consumes..." ? (Matthew 6:21)
So I prayed and asked God for a solution to my dilemma. I know time rarely stops for anyone - the only case I am personally aware of where time has stopped is when "the sun stood still, and the moon stopped until the nation took vengeance on their enemies" as recorded in the tenth chapter of the book of Joshua in the setting of a battle where the Lord fought for Israel. (An incredible record of God's power - I highly recommend reading it.)
So I know God hasn't stopped time for me, but He is working in my heart to not see my two Bridegrooms as different loyalties, as different worlds, and that I need to divide my time between them. Rather, I now see that Jesus should be so integrated in my life that He is the centre of my relationship with Emil. And also, He is showing me that my personal time with Him is not taking my time away from Emil. My personal time with Jesus allows Him to strengthen me and refine me so that I can better use my time with Emil and better serve him as his future wife. In doing this, when Emil and I talk about Jesus and involve Him more and more in every aspect of our life, I will not feel as if my loyalty is divided. I am loyal to both in one loyalty, because without Jesus as our centre, Emil and I will lead a life that does not resemble a tree planted by streams of water.
So Honouring two Bridegrooms is possible. It's an adjustment at first, but it becomes more natural as perspective shifts, as understanding grows, and as time and effort is devoted to Jesus Christ first, and relationships with anything and anyone else is founded around Him.
"Strive first for the kingdom of God and His righteousness..."
Matthew 6:33 (NRSV)
